Let Your Anger Subside

Upon thinking about this, my first thoughts were an angry wave, and how when the tide goes out, everything is left calm and still. This is how we should be with ourselves as we have anger build up about what our child is doing and how we should let our anger go, so that we can talk to our child about what is upsetting us and making us feel the way we do. My second thought turned to a scene from Disney’s Moana, where Moana tries to give a suggestion about how to bring more fish to the island, but her dad gets angry, yells at her about not going beyond the reef and storms away in anger. Her mother comes to talk to her and is calm, allowing Moana to hear why her father is upset.

It is times like these that we remember our own anger and frustrations that build up within us-when our child has jumped on us for the 100^th time, when they threw their food off from their plate-again, or when you are at your wits end and you don’t know how much more you can take. In Steinberg’s book The 10 Basic Principles Of Good Parenting, Steinberg says “It is perfectly normal to feel angry at your child from time to time. This doesn’t mean that you’re a bad parent, that you have a bad child, or that you have a bad relationship.” Being angry is part of being a human and having emotions and feelings.

Before you lose your last wit, count to 10, leave the room, and do something that will help you calm down. It’s okay to walk away from the situation because chances are, your child need to see you take a moment, while also taking that same moment and calming down as well. According to the Pregnancy Birth & Baby organization, who provided the above techniques for calming down, it can be important to use strategies like reducing stress, learning how to communicate better, make changes that will help you avoid situations that make you angry, set aside time for your hobbies, and consider getting help.

What causes us to get angry?

According to the American Psychological Association, “Anger is a natural, adaptive response to threats; it inspires powerful, often aggressive, feelings and behaviors, which allow us to fight and to defend ourselves when we are attacked” When our child is yelling at us or throws their toys on the ground, we feel personally attacked and we pull our feelings out and typically it’s a defense mechanism. We want to protect ourself and make sure that our child understands that we are feeling attacked and responsive.

Sometimes, we have so many things going on in our heads, that it feels impossible and it feels like we are going around and around, until we lose it, and maybe we yell. I think of the scene where Dash and Violet learn from Bob that Jack-Jack has powers to. They start yelling and asking a million questions and Bob explodes and share everything that he is stressing about. When we break down, it can often frighten and scare our children, but it can also go one of two ways. Your child will see and understand that you are feeling big feelings and emotions. Or they start to relate everything to what they see and they will begin to distance themselves from you.

As a parent, you want your child to feel, recognize, acknowledge and express what is going on and what emotions and feelings they are having. But they need to be able to learn to express their emotions and feelings in a healthy, safe way. PBS Kids: For Parents shares about being a role model for your kid by expressing how you feel in a moment, or showing them that you are also taking a step back from the situation so that you can get your feelings under control, but that you want to have a conversation about what you both are feeling. With younger kids, make a chart with facial expressions and label each feeling. Explain to them what might be happening while you’re feeling each emotion and what it might look like by making the facial expressions too.

No matter what is going on, we can express together what we are feeling and how we can make changes in our reactions. We want our children to know that we are safe people to talk to and that we can help them identify what they are feeling.

 

References

 American Psychological Association. (2022, March 3). Controlling anger -- Before it controls you. American Psychological Association. https://www.apa.org/topics/anger/control

Incredibles 2- Bob Gets Angry. (2018, November 30). Www.youtube.com. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OoaCiF1j7v8

Moana Fights with Her Dad. (2017, October 1).Www.youtube.com. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sQfk2V7WUjc

PBS Kids. (2021, January 29). Helping Kids Express Their Emotions | Parenting Tips & Advice. PBS KIDS for Parents. https://www.pbs.org/parents/thrive/helping-kids-express-their-emotions

Pregnancy Birth & Bab. (n.d.). {{meta.og.title}}. Www.pregnancybirthbaby.org.au. https://www.pregnancybirthbaby.org.au/controlling-your-anger-as-a-parent 

Knowing What to Expect and Understanding Your Child's Development

You are at the grocery store and you hear a father talking calmly and quietly to his screeching, crying four-year-old daughter. You quietly observe as he tells her that they can’t buy the toy she wants because they don’t have money for it right now. She continues to scream that this is what she wants and she’s not going to stop until she gets it. You watch the frustration and pain on this man’s face as he puts her in the cart and continues to walk towards the dairy section of the store. You may encounter other people casting judgements towards him for not getting his daughter to stop.

Have you ever overheard another person say “Oh my child is just so easy!”, “My child doesn’t have those issues.”, or “Why don’t you try this with your child?”. And then you are left sitting there shaking your head processing what they said? Well, this happens far to often and is often seen as a parent is struggling with a child, like the scenario above. Steinberg (2005) says “Don’t try to fight your child’s temperament. If you work with it, rather than against it, you’ll both be a lot happier.”

Yours, Mine, & Ours (1968)-no one child is the same. 

Each and every child has their own path-some kids want what they want, when they want it and other kids are patient and understanding. According to Steinberg (2005), your child is not like every child around them or even like your other children. What works with one child, may not work with your next child. This goes with both your child’s personality, as well as with their development.

Looking at development, there are different things to look at. According to Raising Children Network, when a child is developing, they go through a series of changes- “physical, social, emotional, behavior, thinking, and communication skills. Each of these areas of development are linked, and each depends on and influences the others.” Every age group has certain milestones that are expected to be hit, but don’t be alarmed when your 2nd child or any children you do have, don’t hit these milestones at the same age as their siblings or in the same manner as them either. To reiterate Steinberg, your child is unique and they are growing and learning at their own individual pace. Do not worry when your child is behind where another child is.

What are the developmental ages called and what can I expect during these?

According to Children’s Hospital of Orange County, the different age groups are newborns, infants, toddlers, preschool, school age, and adolescence.

Newborns are considered to be from birth until about 2 months. Newborns will typically gain about an ounce a day after the first two weeks, but there are also many factors that determine a newborn’s physical growth. Some of those factors include if they were a multiple (twin, triplet, or other multiple), having larger or smaller parents, if they are the first (first babies sometimes are smaller than their younger siblings born later), mom’s health and nutrition during pregnancy, and the baby’s own health concerns. Newborn’s have a number of unique refluxes but also have a number of physical characteristics and behaviors. Newborns will typically get 14-17 hours of sleep a day, but shouldn’t sleep any longer than 5 hours at a time during the first 6 weeks because they need to eat. Breastfed babies often eat between 2-3 hours, where as bottle fed babies tend to eat every 3-4 hours.

A child is considered an infant until they are one year old. In early infancy, babies gain around 1-2 pounds each month, but as they get bigger and reach their first birthday, they gain about 13 ounces. During infancy, babies begin to support themselves-from being able to roll over, sit up on their own, pull themselves up onto and cruise around furniture. You can start to introduce your child to new foods like fruits and vegetables, but only introduce one at a time and wait to try a new food for about 5 days, to make sure your baby doesn’t have allergies. It is recommended to NOT give your baby honey or cow’s milk until after their first birthday. Honey can cause botulism (toxin that attacks the body’s nerves) and cow’s milk doesn’t have the nutrition that your baby needs from breast milk or formula.

Toddlers learn about stacking.

Toddlers are classified from the first birthday until around age 3. Toddlers can sleep 10-12 hours at night and they begin to have control over their bladder and bowels. During this age, most toddlers are able to run, jump, walk; they may try to open things, such as lids and doors, and they may try to turn things on like light switches or faucets. These kids are typically gaining between 4-6 pounds each year.

Preschoolers are ages 4-5 and are learning so many new things during these ages. It is during this age that they begin to recognize their name-both being said and when it is spelled out. They also recognize colors around them, are able to recite the ABC’s and are able to play simple games with family and friends. During this age, they become very independent, wanting to do everything for themselves, they appear to be moody, but they also start to learn about manners.

Finding good friends is important at this stage of life.

School age kids are ages 6-12 and begin to enjoy lots of activities, keeping themselves very busy. They start to have homework and are able to do different things like math, science, and reading. They become very independent and really become interested in hobbies. School aged kids start gaining about 4-7 pounds and grow about 2.5 inches each year.

Adolescence is ages 13-18 and these youth are experiencing so many different things. A majority of them are hitting puberty-which involves an influx of hormones, body changes, and feelings, but this usually happens one thing at a time-not all at once. They begin to develop an independence from their parents and tend to spend more time with friends. Many teenagers participate in extracurricular activities.

REMINDER

It is okay if your child doesn’t milestones or they don’t develop at the same speed as your other children or like children around them. Keep an eye on your child and document the things that you are seeing and work with them at their pace. When you do have concerns, talk with your pediatrician or family doctor-they are qualified to help you with your concerns and make sure your child has the same opportunities as other kids. All in all-help your child to know that you LOVE them!

References

Bluey- Official Channel. (2022). It's a Baby Race | Full Episode Season 2 | Bluey. In Youtube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xmkCmJtK6X8

CHOC. (2021, June). Child Development: Ages and Stages - CHOC Children's. CHOC Children's; Children's Hospital Orange County. https://www.choc.org/primary-care/ages-stages/

Help Me Grow MN. (2020). Helpmegrowmn.org. https://helpmegrowmn.org/HMG/DevelopMilestone/index.html

Raising Children Network. (2018). Child development: the first five years. Raising Children Network. https://raisingchildren.net.au/newborns/development/understanding-development/dvelopment-first-five-years

Steinberg, L. D. (2005). The ten basic principles of good parenting. Simon ans Schuster Paperbacks. 4th Principle.